Instructions for a Cozy as Heck Night


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First off, obviously, take off your bra. Fling it from your body with scorn. Oh, what’s that? You didn’t wear a bra today? Good for you, champ. You’re living your best life, and I’m proud of you. Change into your comfies. No tight and restrictive pants for you, you cozy little kitten. Put on those sweatpants you stole from your boyfriend when he wasn’t looking. He’ll never know if you never tell him.

Pad into the kitchen in stocking feet. Make yourself a cup of tea. Maybe even cocoa, if you’re feeling extra lavish. Fill that sucker all the way up to the top. NOT THAT FULL. You can’t carry that mug like that. Now you’re going to need to slurp back down to a manageable level. We good? Good. Get a snack too. Some sort of packaged seasonal cookie would be ideal, but toast and jam will do in a pinch. Now carry your beverage and your morsels into your bedroom. Don’t spill tea on your toes. Did you do it? You spilled, didn’t you. That’s okay. (I did too.) Set your tea down. Change into dry socks. Come back to the tea. Take it to bed. Get all wrapped up burrito style in your duvet. Put on your favorite soothing show. Everyone has one. (If you're stuck, may I recommend: “Escape to the Country,” “Barefoot Contessa,” or anything featuring Mel Giedroyc or Sue Perkins.) Sip your hot beverage. Eat your cookies. Spill crumbs. Leave them. You don’t even care, because you’ve achieved Maximum Coze.