Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the gap between where I am and where I want to be, and how stressful it is for me when things go slowly. In the past, it’s been dangerous for me to fall into a mentality of “this is how things will be forever.” Whether I’m in a bad or good situation, if I feel like I’m stuck in one place and it’s just going to stagnate and stay the same for years and years, that really scares me.
I’m so resistant to having to wait for the things that I want. I’m not resistant to working for them, which I’m more than happy to do, but I am resistant to the uncertainty. Like if I don’t achieve the things I want right away or reach milestones early enough in my life then it freaks me out. What if I never get those things? So many things I wanted have gone off the rails and never happened that sometimes I feel like I need to force changes. Even though my whole life has been a long lesson in “things never ever stay the same even if you really want them to,” I get so scared of being stuck in the same place forever: stuck in the same job, stuck with the same mental blocks and fears and anxieties and stuck not having enough money.
It’s hard to remember how young I am, to remember that the people whose careers I admire are by and large older than I am and have had more time to do more things and have more experiences and create more work. But I don’t know. Everyone always says change is scary but I think the specter of nothing changing is just as scary. I guess maybe the two are linked: since change is going to happen inevitably, if I can hurry it along or force it, at least I can make sure it’s a change I can live with. I don’t know guys, I don’t have a solution for this, maybe it’s just a consequence of being in my late twenties and looking ahead at my life and not being clear on what it’s going to look like. Anyway that’s where I am in the weeks before my 26th birthday.